Three's a Crowd

One thousand ninety five days later and my heart still aches. It’s a low, dull ache. The kind of ache you only notice when the chaos subsides and reality sets in. The kind of ache that isn’t enough to hurt but enough to constantly remind you it is still there. And that you’re still imperfect. That you’ve gone through something that once crippled your soul and consumed you with pain.

That chilling pain and lasting ache are what remains from the loss of my cousin. He left us three years ago today and the loss brings me to tears still today. I’ve found my own ways to honor him and stay true to the promises I whispered to him one thousands ninety three days ago. But there’s no way to sugarcoat the black hole that is grief and mourning. It sucks you in with no mercy. But if you just say a prayer, hold the ones still here physically, and look up, you can find a way out.

I remember holding his hand and talking to him in his last days. You see, it’s an unexplainable connection I have with him. Maybe it’s the fact he’s the closest family member in age I’ve ever had. Maybe it’s the shenanigans we used to get into when we were young. Or maybe it’s the idea that he has changed my life more than any single person on this earth.

I didn’t stand on stage moments after his passing to address my graduating class and move my tassel from one side to another for just myself. In fact, if I had only done it for myself I wouldn’t have done it at all. I didn’t come to college to chase my dreams just for my own benefit. And I will not stand on stage next year and address my graduating class of Ohio University for me and only me. I have done and will do these things for the both of us. I’ll do them for my old-souled cousin that never got to walk across that stage. I’ll walk down the aisle to the love of my life with the love of my cousin in my heart. I will be the parent I know he would have been. It’s been my promise to him. And it will be a promise I keep until the day I get to finally hug him and be the cousin he has been to me both on this earth and from above.

Love you, E.

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